|Subject: Unabridged Aviation Dictionary
The originator is a retired airline captain, still in his 50's, with too much time on his hands, a much younger wife, 2 kids about to do college life, a garage full of cars and motor cycles.
Plays golf left handed.
180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.
A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aerial - That part of the aircraft most frequently broken off during the walk-around preflight inspection that pilots do to see if anything is broken off.
Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.
Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its aeroplanes names like Gipsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.
Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoil - 1. Sword used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers. 2. What pilots wrap their sandwiches in.
Airframe - When the FAA inspector knows that you have only a student license and sends his kids to bum a ride with you in the plane.
Air Mass - Impromptu religious service held on board an aircraft immediately following an announcement by the pilot that he is lost, having an engine problem, or running out of fuel.
Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed - 1. The speed of an airplane through the air. 2.True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy aviator. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Airstrip - In-flight performance by exotic female flight attendant.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Angle of Attack - Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Arctic Frost - Attitude shown by uncooperative stewardess (also see "Horizontally Opposed").
Arresting Gear - Police equipment used for keeping order at airport parties.
Aspect Ratio - 36-24-36.
Autopilot - A would-be airplane pilot who flunked his checkride.
Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.
Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
Caged Gyro - Not much more docile than a wild gyro.
Caging the Gyro - Easier with domestic species.
Captain - 1. Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve; often found strolling down Lovers' Lane holding his own hand. 2. Decorative dummy often found adorning the bridge of a ship.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Carburetor Icing - 1. Usually vanilla. 2. A phenomenon that happens to pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.
Certificated Aircraft - One that has all hazardous features camouflaged.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.
Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Pieces of wood the lineboy slips in front of the wheels while the pilot isn't looking.
Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
Course - Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and greens. Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be "off-course."
Crab - 1. A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds, usually without success. 2. Pilot who has just ground-looped after trying unsuccessfully to use this technique. 3. Pilot who has been unsuccessful in finding a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").
Crash - To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once he has found a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").
Cuban 8 - A family of political refugees in Miami.
Dead Reckoning - You reckon correctly, or you are.
De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wings.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.
Drag Chute - Emergency escape slide near copilot's window. Opens automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women's clothes.
Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.
FAA - Fear And Alarm.
Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."
Final Approach - 1. Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up. 2. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 3. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Glide Distance - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Grass Strip - Often performed by exotic female flight attendants while enroute to Hawaii.
Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.
Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Horizontally Opposed - NO!! (Also see "Arctic Frost")
Hotel - The letter H as pronounced in the phonetic alphabet. Most often heard in intercom conversations between pilots and flight attendants.
Hydroplane - An airplane designed to land on a wet, 20,000-foot-long runway.
Induced Drag - When a male copilot is persuaded by a kinky female flight attendant to put on women's clothes against his will.
Jet-assisted Takeoff - 1. A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747. 2. Takeoff by pilot who ordered enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.
Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.
Kilometer - A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots who already have trouble with knots.
Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.
Magneto - 1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!" 2. Not-very-famous Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."
Mode - Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during WWI to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.
Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")
National Airport - Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C. whose Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing to bomb the bridges at Toko-Ri.
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.
Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.
Parasitic Drag - A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.
Pitot Tube - On long flights, something into which the pilot can pitot.
Prop Wash - 1. Cleaning agent used by student pilots. 2. Pilots' equivalent of "hogwash."
Pylon - All aboard!
Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Range - Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
Runway - 1. Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act (also see "Airstrip"). 2. Ramp extending from the stage into the audience area at all good burlesque houses in Vegas.
S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Safety Belt - Drink taken by instructor before flying with difficult student.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Skin Drag - Costume party in San Francisco.
Slip - Apparel worn by some pilots.
Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late because you spent the money on flying.
Stewardess - A pretty gal who asks you what you want, then straps you in so you can't get it.
Suitable Landing Site - An attractive member of the opposite sex; suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost (also see "Arctic Frost").
Tactics - What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing.
Taildragger - 1. An old pilot after a long flight. 2. A young pilot who over-rotates a tricycle gear aircraft on takeoff or landing.
Tailwind - Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot. 2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight"). 3. A soft drink popular among female pilots who like to wear skin-tight red jumpsuits.
Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to cargo weight.
Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Windsock - Well-perforated item of clothing worn inside the shoe by underpaid copilot who can't afford a replacement or a darning needle.
Wingstrut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at the student.
|Military Aviator Heaven
Everybody's a lieutenant , except God. He's a General or Admiral (as the mood strikes him!)
You only come to work when you're going to fly.
You fly three times a day, if you wish, except on Friday.
You never run out of fuel.
You never run out of ammo.
Your missions are one hour long (or longer if you desire) and no briefings are ever required.
Sorties are air-to-air or air-to-ground, your choice.
You shoot the gun on every mission.
There are no check rides.
It is always VFR, and there are never any ATC delays.
You can fly out of the MOA and down to 10 feet AGL, if you want. There are no 'over G's.'
The airplanes never break.
Never any Fatals.... I mean..... you're already there!
There are never any duty officer assignments.
You always fly overhead landing patterns with initial approach at 20 feet, then break left.
You can go cross-country anytime you desire... the further the better.
There are no ORI /UEIs.
There are no flight surgeons.
There are no Staff Jobs.
There are no additional duties.
Friday Happy Hour is mandatory.
'Happy Hour' begins at 1400 hours and lasts until 0200+ hours.
The bartenders are all big bosomed friendly blondes.
Beer is free, but whiskey costs a nickel.
The bar serves only Chivas Regal, Jack Daniels and Beefeaters... plus 500 kinds of beer.
The Girls are all friendly and each Aviator is allowed three.
Country and Western music is free on the jukebox.
You never lose your room key and your buddies never leave you stranded.
The sun always shines, and you can put your hat in your pants pocket.
Flight Suits are allowed in the O Club at all times.
The BX always has every item you ask for, most being free.
There are never any crosswind landings, and the runways are always dry.
Control tower flybys for wheels-up checks can be made at 600 kts.
There are never any noise complaints.
Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
Fitness reports always contain the statement, 'Outstanding Officer.'
Functions requiring mess dress never occur.
All air traffic controllers are friendly and always provide priority handling.
'ACE' status is conferred upon all Aviators entering Heaven.
You Never Have To Grow Up!
Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns of World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the sailors are eating. So please do not indulge yourselves by eating a sailor."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later, the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working hard, and I'm very satisfied with every one of you. However, one of our chief petty officers has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You idiot! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain, and no one noticed a thing. And then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"
Provided by Whizzer
REAL CHIEFS Think Ensigns should be seen and not heard, and never, ever, be allowed to read books on leadership.
REAL CHIEFS Don't have any civilian clothes.
REAL CHIEFS Have CPO Association Cards from their last 5 commands.
REAL CHIEFS Don't remember any time they weren't Chief's.
REAL CHIEFS Propose like this "There will be a wedding at 1000 hours on 29 October, be there in whites with your gear packed because you will be a prime participant."
REAL CHIEFS Favorite national holiday is CPO Initiation.
REAL CHIEFS Keeps four sets of dress khaki uniforms in the closet in hopes they will come back.
REAL CHIEFS Favorite food is shipboard SOS for breakfast.
REAL CHIEFS Don't know how to tell civilian time.
REAL CHIEFS Call each other "Chief."
REAL CHIEFS Greatest fear is signing for property book items.
REAL CHIEFS Dream in Navy Blue, White, Haze Gray and occasionally khaki.
REAL CHIEFS Have served on ships that are now war memorials or tourist attractions.
REAL CHIEFS Get tears in their eyes when the "Chief" dies in the movie "Operation Pacific."
REAL CHIEFS Don't like Certified Navy Twill. "Wash Khaki" is the ONLY thing to make a uniform out of.
REAL CHIEFS Can find their way to the CPO Club blindfolded, on 15 different Navy Bases.
REAL CHIEFS Have pictures of ships in their wallets.
REAL CHIEFS Don't own any pens that do not have "Property U.S. Govt" on them.
REAL CHIEFS Don't voluntarily get the mandatory flu shots.
REAL CHIEFS Don't order supplies, they swap for them.
REAL CHIEFS Favorite quote is from the movie Ben Hur, "We keep you alive to serve this ship."
REAL CHIEFS Think excessive modesty is their only fault.
REAL CHIEFS Hate to write evaluations, except for their own.
REAL CHIEFS Turn in a 4 page brag sheet for their evaluation.
REAL CHIEFS Last ship was always better.
REAL CHIEFS Know that the black tar in their coffee cup makes the coffee taste better.
REAL CHIEFS Idea of heaven-Three good PO1's and a Division Officer who does what he is told.
REAL CHIEFS Think John Wayne would have made a good Chief, if he had not gone soft and made Marine movies.
REAL CHIEFS Use the term "Good Training" to describe any unpleasant task...Scraping the sides of the ship is "Good Training." Having to sleep on your seabag in the parking lot because there was no room in the barracks is "Good Training."
Harold was an old retired Navy Chief Aviation Boatswain's Mate, he was sick, and he was in the VA hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had just been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing.
The juice was apple juice. So.....you know where the juice went. Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted...... Old Harold just smiled. Typical Chief!!!
You may have been in Naval Aviation if:
Wished your jet would drop a Mk 84 on Ho Chi Min's / Saddam Hussein's house.
Ever said, "Oh yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."
Drank water from a scuttle-butt that had more JP than H2O.
Have sucked LOX to cure a hangover.
You know what JP tastes like.
You have a better bench stock in the pockets of your coveralls than the squadron can supply you.
Used a piece of safety wire as a toothpick.
Someone has tackled you right before you cuss out the squadron Ops Boss over the radio.
You refer to a pilot as a "control stick actuator."
You've ever been told to go get "some prop wash and a yard of flight line from supply."
Worked a 14 hour shift on a jet that isn't flying the next day.
You've ever said "as long as it starts every other try you'll be fine sir."
You've ever considered a traditional Thanksgiving dinner to be a turkey sandwich in one hand and a wrench in the other.
You've ever jumped into an intake to get out of the cold.
You've ever been told to tow the jets around so they match the board in Maintenance Control.
You've ever preflighted in really bad weather only to have Ops cancel after engine start.
You've ever been hassled in the Chow Hall for shave/boots/uniform/smell after a 16 hour shift.
You believe your bird has a soul.
You talk to your bird. (In your head still counts)
Your spouse refuses to watch any aviation shows with you.
You've ever said, "That nav light must have burned out after launch."
You've ever used a wheel chock as a hammer.
The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.
You know more about your co-workers than your own family.
You don't know what the inside of the good BOQ / barracks look like (anywhere).
The refrigerators in your barracks only have beer in them.
When you finish a DET there are enough empty beer cans to build an airplane to fly home on.
You've ever looked for pictures of "your" jet in aviation books.
You can't figure out why maintenance officers exist.
You've ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great bird, thanks!"
You are proud that no one on base understands you.
You relieve yourself more often outdoors than indoors. AND a lot of people other than your mother have seen you do it.
You've even worked 7 day 12 hour shifts on DET while admin goes sightseeing for two weeks.
After getting back from the above trip, the admin pukes are getting an award while you are doin' a seven day on your bird.
Played a lot of Acey Deucy.
You can't comprehend why everyone doesn't want to be an airdale.
You think everyone who isn't an airdale is a wimp.
You can't figure out why your 2 weeks advance per-diem is gone after 3 days.
You can't get through a trip without finding an ATM.
On a trip the first place you go is to the Exchange on a beer run.
Most of your advance is spent in $1 increments in a "club."
Evaded the "old lady" at the Hide-a-Way.
You can sleep anywhere, anytime, but as soon as the engines shut down you are wide awake.
You've ever said bad things about the IDIOT who said, "No more nose art."
The SRB is not the main reason you re-enlist.
Your wife understands that you have a "mistress."
Most everyone thinks your job mostly consists of waving your arms.
You have scars on you that aren't from your spouse or significant / unsignificant other.
You've ever used a helmet as a pillow.
Gone looking for a snipe.
Love Bar-B-Q on a stick.
Been gouged by the tag end of a safety-wired canon plug.
You know what a one wire is.
Tightened a canon plug with channel locks, cause the one-wire didn't clip and bend the tag end.
You know what a short arm is.
You've ever stood on wheel chocks to keep your feet dry.
You've ever done the 100 yard dash to the line shack when lightning was called.
You've eaten more box lunches / MRE's than hot meals.
You change underwear and T-shirts more often than coveralls.
You've ever done any of the following:
A. Used dykes to trim a fingernail.
B. Used RTV to fix a stripped screw.
C. Pulled the gun switch while riding brakes.
D. Wiped your hands on your pants.
E. Made tampons out of paper towels for drain hole leaks.
F. Knocked back a rivet stem that was hanging out a drain hole.
G. Wiped leaks immediately prior to crew show.
H. Picked your nose.
I. Thrown up more than two days in a row.
J. Gotten the new guys drunk just so you could make fun of them the next day.
K. Worn someone else's hat to go to chow.
L. Taken pride in grossing someone out.
M. Made sure the coffee pot is the first thing in the Cruise Box.
N. The first thing briefed on DET is the coffee fund.
O. All you care about is the flight schedule and your days off.
P. Been to the club / bar before you even unpack.
Q. Hated the crew for going to club in flight suits.
R. Hated the crew for not recognizing you in the commissary.
S. Hated airdales that couldn't hack the line, got admin jobs and promoted BTZ.
T. Pencil whipped your training records.
U. Hate the fact that admin types get rides on your bird and you don't.
V. Chipped ice out of your moustache or a tie-down OR a grounding point.
W. Thrown something living into vented LOX.
X. Wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up the stupid rules.
You know what a nose picker is.
You know what a tin bender is.
You know what a BB stacker is.
You've ever been woken up by the returning drunks turning on all the lights.
You've ever returned to the barracks drunk and turned on all the lights.
You've ever had to defuel your jet an hour after refueling it.
You know what a stew burner is.
Know what a skivvie stacker is.
You've ever driven home and don't remember doing it.
You tell your peers you are getting divorced and the first thing they ask is, "selling anything?"
You've ever gone straight to work from the bar.
Because of the above you've done your preflight on "autopilot."
Everyone you know has some kind of nickname.
Thanks to J.R. Nelson.
|Published in 1955 issue of Naval Aviation News
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21.There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.
26. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed!!
Difference between Men and Women
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|From China Lake:
Capt. Grell's official goldfish transport. It's bowl was fitted with a half-turn three point locking base, and it fastened to the nose. During those extremely hot days, the duty officer was required to get the fish up into cooler air. The bowl was located on the nose so the pilot could see if the water level was getting too low.
No Kidding? Gary Verver says its so.
(for every gripe, there is a creative sign off)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
A plea for help from a grounded Australian to his friend, BJ....