Humor Page Two

Body
Subject: Unabridged Aviation Dictionary
The originator is a retired airline captain, still in his 50's, with too much time on his hands, a much younger wife, 2 kids about to do college life, a garage full of cars and motor cycles.
Plays golf left handed.


180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.

A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.

Aerial - That part of the aircraft most frequently broken off during the walk-around preflight inspection that pilots do to see if anything is broken off.

Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.

Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its aeroplanes names like Gipsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.

Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.

Airfoil - 1. Sword used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers. 2. What pilots wrap their sandwiches in.

Airframe - When the FAA inspector knows that you have only a student license and sends his kids to bum a ride with you in the plane.

Air Mass - Impromptu religious service held on board an aircraft immediately following an announcement by the pilot that he is lost, having an engine problem, or running out of fuel.

Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.

Airspeed - 1. The speed of an airplane through the air. 2.True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy aviator. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.

Airstrip - In-flight performance by exotic female flight attendant.

Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.

Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.

Angle of Attack - Pick-up lines that pilots use.

Arctic Frost - Attitude shown by uncooperative stewardess (also see "Horizontally Opposed").

Arresting Gear - Police equipment used for keeping order at airport parties.

Aspect Ratio - 36-24-36.

Autopilot - A would-be airplane pilot who flunked his checkride.

Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.

Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.

Caged Gyro - Not much more docile than a wild gyro.

Caging the Gyro - Easier with domestic species.

Captain - 1. Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve; often found strolling down Lovers' Lane holding his own hand. 2. Decorative dummy often found adorning the bridge of a ship.

Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.

Carburetor Icing - 1. Usually vanilla. 2. A phenomenon that happens to pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.

Certificated Aircraft - One that has all hazardous features camouflaged.

Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.

Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.

Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Pieces of wood the lineboy slips in front of the wheels while the pilot isn't looking.

Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.

Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.

Course - Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and greens. Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be "off-course."
Crab - 1. A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds, usually without success. 2. Pilot who has just ground-looped after trying unsuccessfully to use this technique. 3. Pilot who has been unsuccessful in finding a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").

Crash - To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once he has found a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").

Cuban 8 - A family of political refugees in Miami.

Dead Reckoning - You reckon correctly, or you are.

De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wings.

Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.

Drag Chute - Emergency escape slide near copilot's window. Opens automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women's clothes.

Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.

FAA - Fear And Alarm.

Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."

Final Approach - 1. Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up. 2. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 3. Many a student pilot's first landing.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.

Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.

Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.

Glide Distance - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.

Grass Strip - Often performed by exotic female flight attendants while enroute to Hawaii.

Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.

Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.

Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.

Horizontally Opposed - NO!! (Also see "Arctic Frost")

Hotel - The letter H as pronounced in the phonetic alphabet. Most often heard in intercom conversations between pilots and flight attendants.

Hydroplane - An airplane designed to land on a wet, 20,000-foot-long runway.

Induced Drag - When a male copilot is persuaded by a kinky female flight attendant to put on women's clothes against his will.

Jet-assisted Takeoff - 1. A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747. 2. Takeoff by pilot who ordered enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.

Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.

Kilometer - A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots who already have trouble with knots.

Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.

Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.

Magneto - 1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!" 2. Not-very-famous Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."

Mode - Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during WWI to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.

Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")

National Airport - Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C. whose Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing to bomb the bridges at Toko-Ri.

Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.

Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.

Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.

Parasitic Drag - A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.

Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.

Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.

Pitot Tube - On long flights, something into which the pilot can pitot.

Prop Wash - 1. Cleaning agent used by student pilots. 2. Pilots' equivalent of "hogwash."

Pylon - All aboard!

Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.

Range - Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

Roger - The most popular name in radio.

Runway - 1. Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act (also see "Airstrip"). 2. Ramp extending from the stage into the audience area at all good burlesque houses in Vegas.

S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.

Safety Belt - Drink taken by instructor before flying with difficult student.

Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.

Skin Drag - Costume party in San Francisco.

Slip - Apparel worn by some pilots.

Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").

Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late because you spent the money on flying.

Stewardess - A pretty gal who asks you what you want, then straps you in so you can't get it.

Suitable Landing Site - An attractive member of the opposite sex; suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost (also see "Arctic Frost").

Tactics - What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing.

Taildragger - 1. An old pilot after a long flight. 2. A young pilot who over-rotates a tricycle gear aircraft on takeoff or landing.

Tailwind - Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.

Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot. 2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight"). 3. A soft drink popular among female pilots who like to wear skin-tight red jumpsuits.

Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to cargo weight.

Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.

Windsock - Well-perforated item of clothing worn inside the shoe by underpaid copilot who can't afford a replacement or a darning needle.

Wingstrut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at the student.

 

 

Aviation Dictionary

AIRSPEED - Speed of an airplane. (Deduct 25% when listening to a retired fighter pilot.)
BANK - The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.
CARBURETOR ICING - A phenomenon reported to the FAA by pilots immediately after they run out of gas.
CONE OF CONFUSION - An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach beacon at an airport.
CRAB - A VFR Instructor's attitude on an IFR day.
DEAD RECKONING - You reckon correctly, or you are.
DESTINATION - Geographical location 30 minutes beyond the pilot's bladder saturation point.
ENGINE FAILURE - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with low-octane air.
FIREWALL - Section of the aircraft specifically designed to funnel heat and smoke into the cockpit.
FLIGHT FOLLOWING - Formation flying.
GLIDE DISTANCE - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
HOBBS - An instrument which creates an emergency situation should it fail during dual instruction.
HYDROPLANE - An airplane designed to land long on a short and wet runway.
IFR - A method of flying by needle and horoscope.
LEAN MIXTURE - Nonalcoholic beer.
MINI MAG LITE - Device designed to support the AA battery industry.
NANOSECOND - Time delay between the Low Fuel Warning light and the onset of carburetor icing.
PARACHUTES - The two chutes in a Stearman
PARASITIC DRAG - A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.
RANGE - Usually about 3 miles short of the destination.
RICH MIXTURE - What you order at another pilot's promotion party.
ROGER - Used when you're not sure what else to say.
SECTIONAL CHART - Any chart that ends 25 NM short of your destination.
SERVICE CEILING - Altitude at which cabin crew can serve drinks.
SPOILERS - FAA Inspectors.
STALL - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late. STEEP BANKS - Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.
TURN & BANK INDICATOR - An instrument largely ignored by pilots.
USEFUL LOAD - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight.
VOR - Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect on pilots trying to home in on it.
WAC CHART - Directions to the Army female barracks.
YANKEE - Any pilot who has to ask New Orleans tower to "Say again."

 

 

Military Aviator Heaven

Everybody's a lieutenant , except God. He's a General or Admiral (as the mood strikes him!)
You only come to work when you're going to fly.
You fly three times a day, if you wish, except on Friday.
You never run out of fuel.
You never run out of ammo.
Your missions are one hour long (or longer if you desire) and no briefings are ever required.
Sorties are air-to-air or air-to-ground, your choice.
You shoot the gun on every mission.
There are no check rides.
It is always VFR, and there are never any ATC delays.
You can fly out of the MOA and down to 10 feet AGL, if you want. There are no 'over G's.'
The airplanes never break.
Never any Fatals.... I mean..... you're already there!
There are never any duty officer assignments.
You always fly overhead landing patterns with initial approach at 20 feet, then break left.
You can go cross-country anytime you desire... the further the better.
There are no ORI /UEIs.
There are no flight surgeons.
There are no Staff Jobs.
There are no additional duties.
Friday Happy Hour is mandatory.
'Happy Hour' begins at 1400 hours and lasts until 0200+ hours.
The bartenders are all big bosomed friendly blondes.
Beer is free, but whiskey costs a nickel.
The bar serves only Chivas Regal, Jack Daniels and Beefeaters... plus 500 kinds of beer.
The Girls are all friendly and each Aviator is allowed three.
Country and Western music is free on the jukebox.
You never lose your room key and your buddies never leave you stranded.
The sun always shines, and you can put your hat in your pants pocket.
Flight Suits are allowed in the O Club at all times.
The BX always has every item you ask for, most being free.
There are never any crosswind landings, and the runways are always dry.
Control tower flybys for wheels-up checks can be made at 600 kts.
There are never any noise complaints.
Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
Fitness reports always contain the statement, 'Outstanding Officer.'
Functions requiring mess dress never occur.
All air traffic controllers are friendly and always provide priority handling.
'ACE' status is conferred upon all Aviators entering Heaven.
And...
You Never Have To Grow Up!

 

 

Cannibals

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns of World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the sailors are eating. So please do not indulge yourselves by eating a sailor."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later, the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working hard, and I'm very satisfied with every one of you. However, one of our chief petty officers has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You idiot! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain, and no one noticed a thing. And then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"

 

 

Chiefs
Provided by Whizzer

REAL CHIEFS Think Ensigns should be seen and not heard, and never, ever, be allowed to read books on leadership.
REAL CHIEFS Don't have any civilian clothes.
REAL CHIEFS Have CPO Association Cards from their last 5 commands.
REAL CHIEFS Don't remember any time they weren't Chief's.
REAL CHIEFS Propose like this "There will be a wedding at 1000 hours on 29 October, be there in whites with your gear packed because you will be a prime participant."
REAL CHIEFS Favorite national holiday is CPO Initiation.
REAL CHIEFS Keeps four sets of dress khaki uniforms in the closet in hopes they will come back.
REAL CHIEFS Favorite food is shipboard SOS for breakfast.
REAL CHIEFS Don't know how to tell civilian time.
REAL CHIEFS Call each other "Chief."
REAL CHIEFS Greatest fear is signing for property book items.
REAL CHIEFS Dream in Navy Blue, White, Haze Gray and occasionally khaki.
REAL CHIEFS Have served on ships that are now war memorials or tourist attractions.
REAL CHIEFS Get tears in their eyes when the "Chief" dies in the movie "Operation Pacific."
REAL CHIEFS Don't like Certified Navy Twill. "Wash Khaki" is the ONLY thing to make a uniform out of.
REAL CHIEFS Can find their way to the CPO Club blindfolded, on 15 different Navy Bases.
REAL CHIEFS Have pictures of ships in their wallets.
REAL CHIEFS Don't own any pens that do not have "Property U.S. Govt" on them.
REAL CHIEFS Don't voluntarily get the mandatory flu shots.
REAL CHIEFS Don't order supplies, they swap for them.
REAL CHIEFS Favorite quote is from the movie Ben Hur, "We keep you alive to serve this ship."
REAL CHIEFS Think excessive modesty is their only fault.
REAL CHIEFS Hate to write evaluations, except for their own.
REAL CHIEFS Turn in a 4 page brag sheet for their evaluation.
REAL CHIEFS Last ship was always better.
REAL CHIEFS Know that the black tar in their coffee cup makes the coffee taste better.
REAL CHIEFS Idea of heaven-Three good PO1's and a Division Officer who does what he is told.
REAL CHIEFS Think John Wayne would have made a good Chief, if he had not gone soft and made Marine movies.
REAL CHIEFS Use the term "Good Training" to describe any unpleasant task...Scraping the sides of the ship is "Good Training." Having to sleep on your seabag in the parking lot because there was no room in the barracks is "Good Training."

 

Nursing a Navy Chief

Harold was an old retired Navy Chief Aviation Boatswain's Mate, he was sick, and he was in the VA hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had just been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing.

The juice was apple juice. So.....you know where the juice went. Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today."

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted...... Old Harold just smiled. Typical Chief!!!

 

 

You may have been in Naval Aviation if:

Slept on the concrete (or flight deck) under a wing.
Wished your jet would drop a Mk 84 on Ho Chi Min's / Saddam Hussein's house.
Ever said, "Oh yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."
Drank water from a scuttle-butt that had more JP than H2O.
Have sucked LOX to cure a hangover.
You know what JP tastes like.
You have a better bench stock in the pockets of your coveralls than the squadron can supply you.
Used a piece of safety wire as a toothpick.
Someone has tackled you right before you cuss out the squadron Ops Boss over the radio.
You refer to a pilot as a "control stick actuator."
You've ever been told to go get "some prop wash and a yard of flight line from supply."
Worked a 14 hour shift on a jet that isn't flying the next day.
You've ever said "as long as it starts every other try you'll be fine sir."
You've ever considered a traditional Thanksgiving dinner to be a turkey sandwich in one hand and a wrench in the other.
You've ever jumped into an intake to get out of the cold.
You've ever been told to tow the jets around so they match the board in Maintenance Control.
You've ever preflighted in really bad weather only to have Ops cancel after engine start.
You've ever been hassled in the Chow Hall for shave/boots/uniform/smell after a 16 hour shift.
You believe your bird has a soul.
You talk to your bird. (In your head still counts)
Your spouse refuses to watch any aviation shows with you.
You've ever said, "That nav light must have burned out after launch."
You've ever used a wheel chock as a hammer.
The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.
You know more about your co-workers than your own family.
You don't know what the inside of the good BOQ / barracks look like (anywhere).
The refrigerators in your barracks only have beer in them.
When you finish a DET there are enough empty beer cans to build an airplane to fly home on.
You've ever looked for pictures of "your" jet in aviation books.
You can't figure out why maintenance officers exist.
You've ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great bird, thanks!"
You are proud that no one on base understands you.
You relieve yourself more often outdoors than indoors. AND a lot of people other than your mother have seen you do it.
You've even worked 7 day 12 hour shifts on DET while admin goes sightseeing for two weeks.
After getting back from the above trip, the admin pukes are getting an award while you are doin' a seven day on your bird.
Played a lot of Acey Deucy.
You can't comprehend why everyone doesn't want to be an airdale.
You think everyone who isn't an airdale is a wimp.
You can't figure out why your 2 weeks advance per-diem is gone after 3 days.
You can't get through a trip without finding an ATM.
On a trip the first place you go is to the Exchange on a beer run.
Most of your advance is spent in $1 increments in a "club."
Evaded the "old lady" at the Hide-a-Way.
You can sleep anywhere, anytime, but as soon as the engines shut down you are wide awake.
You've ever said bad things about the IDIOT who said, "No more nose art."
The SRB is not the main reason you re-enlist.
Your wife understands that you have a "mistress."
Most everyone thinks your job mostly consists of waving your arms.
You have scars on you that aren't from your spouse or significant / unsignificant other.
You've ever used a helmet as a pillow.
Gone looking for a snipe.
Love Bar-B-Q on a stick.
Been gouged by the tag end of a safety-wired canon plug.
You know what a one wire is.
Tightened a canon plug with channel locks, cause the one-wire didn't clip and bend the tag end.
You know what a short arm is.
You've ever stood on wheel chocks to keep your feet dry.
You've ever done the 100 yard dash to the line shack when lightning was called.
You've eaten more box lunches / MRE's than hot meals.
You change underwear and T-shirts more often than coveralls.
You've ever done any of the following:
A. Used dykes to trim a fingernail.
B. Used RTV to fix a stripped screw.
C. Pulled the gun switch while riding brakes.
D. Wiped your hands on your pants.
E. Made tampons out of paper towels for drain hole leaks.
F. Knocked back a rivet stem that was hanging out a drain hole.
G. Wiped leaks immediately prior to crew show.
H. Picked your nose.
I. Thrown up more than two days in a row.
J. Gotten the new guys drunk just so you could make fun of them the next day.
K. Worn someone else's hat to go to chow.
L. Taken pride in grossing someone out.
M. Made sure the coffee pot is the first thing in the Cruise Box.
N. The first thing briefed on DET is the coffee fund.
O. All you care about is the flight schedule and your days off.
P. Been to the club / bar before you even unpack.
Q. Hated the crew for going to club in flight suits.
R. Hated the crew for not recognizing you in the commissary.
S. Hated airdales that couldn't hack the line, got admin jobs and promoted BTZ.
T. Pencil whipped your training records.
U. Hate the fact that admin types get rides on your bird and you don't.
V. Chipped ice out of your moustache or a tie-down OR a grounding point.
W. Thrown something living into vented LOX.
X. Wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up the stupid rules.
You know what a nose picker is.
You know what a tin bender is.
You know what a BB stacker is.
You've ever been woken up by the returning drunks turning on all the lights.
You've ever returned to the barracks drunk and turned on all the lights.
You've ever had to defuel your jet an hour after refueling it.
You know what a stew burner is.
Know what a skivvie stacker is.
You've ever driven home and don't remember doing it.
You tell your peers you are getting divorced and the first thing they ask is, "selling anything?"
You've ever gone straight to work from the bar.
Because of the above you've done your preflight on "autopilot."
Everyone you know has some kind of nickname.

Thanks to J.R. Nelson.
 

 

Published in 1955 issue of Naval Aviation News

 

Your Daily Moment of Zen (Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom)


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21.There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.
26. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed!!
 

 

 

Military Translations
(In the spirit of inter-service rivalry -- provided by former Air Force)
 
NAVY/USMC
Head
Rack
Chow Hall
"Cookie"
Coffee/Mud
Bug Joice
MRE
Ge-Dunk
Utilities
Zoom Bag
Cover/Head Gear
Seaman
Chief
Captain
Captain's Mast
Berthing/Billets
Skivvies
Thrown in the Brig
Ship's Store/BX
TAD
Cruise/Afloat
Ground Grabbers
Boon Dockers
Low Quarters
Shipmate/Marine
Die for your Country
Terminate/Kill
SEAL
Shore Patrol/MPs
Oouh-Rah!
Salute
Obstacle Course
Grinder / Drill Field
PT Test
Dept. of the Navy
Midshipman
Hard-Core
ARMY
Latrine
Cot
Mess Hall
Mess Cook
Cup of Joe
Kool Aid
MRE
Snack Bar
BDU's
Flight Suit
Beret
Private
Sergeant
Colonel
Article 15
Barracks
Underwear
Put in confinement facility
PX
TDY
Deploy
Athletic Shoes
Jump Boots
Low Quarters
Battle Buddy
Die for your Battle Buddy
Take Out
SF/Ranger
MPs
Hooah!
Salute
Confidence Course
Parade Field
APFT
DoD
Cadet
Strak
AIR FORCE
Powder Room
A Single with ruffle and duvet
Cafe'
Contract Chef
Vanilla Skimm Latte'
Shirley Temple
Happy Meal To Go
BurgerKing
Casual Wear
Business Casual
Optional
Bobby or Jimmy
Bob or Jim
Robert or James
Time Out
Dormitory/Apartment
Lingerie
Grounded
AAFES Shopping Mall
PCS with family
Huh?
Flip-Flops
Berkenstocks
Patent Leather Pumps
Honey
Die for Air Conditioning
Back on Base for Happy Hour
Librarian
SF
Hip-Hip hurray!
Wave
Class VI Parking Lot
What?
No conversion available
DoD Lite
Debutant
'Way Too Serious'
 
Aviation Rules to Live By

The only three things a wingman should ever say are:
1. Two's up.
2. Lead, you're on fire.
3. I'll take the fat chick.

...and in a multi-place aircraft, there are only three things the copilot should ever say:

1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the fat chick.

As a new copilot on Americam Airlines, I was told to say these three things, and otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:
1. Clear on the right.
2. Outer (marker) on the double (indicator)
3. I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).

About Fighter Pilots:
1. As an Aviator in flight you can do anything you want... As long as it's right...
And we'll let you know if it's right after you get down.
2. You can't fly forever without getting killed.
3. As a fighter pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will:
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight in a fighter.
b. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight in a fighter.
4. Success is being able to walk to your F.E.B.
5. There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. The Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.
6. More about Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance. (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)
7. The fighter pilot is the highest form of life on earth.
8. The ideal fighter pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.
9. About check rides:
a. The only real objective of a check ride is to complete it and get the bastard out of your airplane.
b. It has never occurred to any flight examiner that the examinee couldn't care less what the examiner's opinion of his flying ability really is.
10. The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.
11. The job of the Wing Commander is to worry incessantly that his career depends solely on the abilities of his aviators to fly their airplanes without mishap and that their only minuscule contribution to the effort is to bet their lives on it.
12. Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over I know of no such expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.
13. It is absolutely imperative that the fighter pilot be unpredictable. Rebelliousness is very predictable. In the end, conforming almost all the time is the best way to be unpredictable.
14. He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.
15. If you're gonna fly low, do not fly slow!
16. It is solely the pilot's responsibility to never let any other thing touch his aircraft.
17. If you can learn how to fly as a Lt. and not forget how to fly by the time you're a Lt.Col you will have lived a happy life.
18. About night flying:
a. Remember that the airplane doesn't know that it's dark.
b. On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker's lights.
c. There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
d. If you're going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather so you can double count your exposure to both hazards.
e. Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium with each other.
f. You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks and perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a single engine night weather flight on the wing.
19. One of the most important skills that a pilot must develop is the skill to ignore those things that were designed by non-pilots to get the pilot's attention.
20. At the end of the day, the controllers, ops supervisors, maintenance guys, weather guessers, and birds; they're all trying to kill you and your job is to not let them!
21. The concept of "controlling" airspace with radar is just a form of FAA sarcasm directed at fighter pilots to see if they're gullible enough to swallow it.
Or to put it another way, when's the last time the FAA ever shot anyone down?
22. Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.
23. It is a tacit, yet profound admission of the pre-eminence of flying in the hierarchy of the human spirit, that those who seek to control aviators via threats always threaten to take one's wings and not one's life.
24. Remember when flying low and inverted that the rudder still works the same old way but hopefully your IP never taught you "pull stick back, plane go up".
25. Mastering the prohibited maneuvers in the dash-1 is one of the best forms of aviation life insurance you can get.
26. A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability discussion above)
27. The aircraft G-limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular airplane. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no G-limits.
28. One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality of the social experience.
29. If a mother has the slightest suspicion that her infant might grow up to be a pilot, she had better teach him to put things back where he got them.
30. The ultimate responsibility of the pilot is to fulfill the dreams of the countless millions of earthbound ancestors who could only stare skyward and wish.
31. Any flight over water in a single engine fighter will absolutely guarantee abnormal engine noises and vibrations.

 
 

Thoughts About Aviation


1. As an aviator in flight you can do anything you want... As long as it's right... And we'll let you know if its right after you get down.

2. You can't fly forever without getting killed.

3. As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will:
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.
b. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight.

4. Success is being able to walk to your F.E.B.

5. There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you.
The Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One.
You can, and sometimes should, suspend the rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

6. More about Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance.
(e.g.: If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

7. The pilot is the highest form of life on earth.

8. The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.

9. About check rides:
a. Having someone climb into your aircraft to grade how you fly is just like having someone come into your bedroom to grade how you screw.
b. The only real objective of a check ride is to complete it and get the bastard out of your airplane.
c. It has never occurred to any flight examiner that the examinee could care less what the examiner's opinion of his flying ability really is.

10. The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

11. The job of the Wing Commander is to worry incessantly that his career depends solely on the abilities of his aviators to fly their airplanes without mishap and that their only minuscule contribution to the effort is to bet their lives on it.

12. Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over I know of no such expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.

13. It is absolutely imperative that the pilot be unpredictable. Rebelliousness is very predictable. In the end, conforming almost all the time is the best way to be unpredictable.

14. He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.

15. If you're gonna fly low, do not fly slow!

16. It is solely the pilot's responsibility to never let any other thing touch his aircraft.

17. If you can learn how to fly as a Lt. and not forget how to fly by the time you're a Lt.Cdr you will have lived a happy life.

18. About night flying:
a. Remember that the airplane doesn't know that it's dark.
b. On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker's lights.
c. There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
d. If you're going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather so you can double count your exposure to both hazards.
e. Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium with each other.
f. You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks and perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a single night weather flight on the wing.

19. One of the most important skills that a pilot must develop is the skill to ignore those things that were designed by non-pilots to get the pilot's attention.

20. At the end of the day, the controllers, ops supervisors, maintenance guys, weather guessers, and birds; they're all trying to kill you and your job is to not let them!

21. The concept of "controlling" airspace with radar is just a form of FAA sarcasm directed at pilots to see if they're gullible enough to swallow it. Or to put it another way, when is the last time the FAA ever shot anyone down?

22. Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.

23. It is a tacit, yet profound admission of the pre-eminence of flying in the hierarchy of the human spirit, that those who seek to control aviators via threats always threaten to take one's wings and not one's life.

24. Remember when flying low and inverted that the rudder still works the same old way but hopefully your IP never taught you "pull stick back, plane go up".

25. Mastering the prohibited maneuvers in the dash-1 is one of the best forms of aviation life insurance you can get.

26. A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability discussion above)

27. The aircraft G-limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular airplane. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no G-limits.

28. One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality of the social experience.

29. If a mother has the slightest suspicion that her infant might grow up to be a pilot she had better teach him to put things back where he got them.

30. The ultimate responsibility of the pilot is to fulfill the dreams of the countless millions of earthbound ancestors who could only stare skyward and wish.


 
 
Military humor.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".
 
Officer: "Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?"

Sailor: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"

Officer: "Sailor. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Sailor: "No, SIR!"
 
A Navy Master Chief and a Air Force Chief Master Sergeant were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The Chief Master Sergeant shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Master Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like".
 
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again"!
 
 
"The Gospel According to St. Fresnel of the Miraculous Lens"

Chapter One, Versus One through Six

1. In the Beginning, God created the heavens, and the Aircraft Carrier, and the seas upon which to float it; and yet there was complete Darkness upon the face of the earth. And, as we traveled, there came to us, as a voice out of the darkness, an angel of the Lord, saying, "On centerline, on Glideslope, three quarters of a mile, call the ball." I reflected upon these words, for I was still yet engulfed in complete darkness. With deep feeling and doubt overwhelming my countenance, I glanceth towards my companion at my right hand and saith "What seeth thou, trusted friend?", and there was a great silence. Gazing in a searching manner and seeing naught, I raised my voice saying, "Clara......."

2. And God spoke to me, and He said, "You're low....power". As the Lord saith, so shall it be, and I added power; and lo, the ball riseth up onto the bottom of the mirror. But it was a tainted red glow, and surely indicateth Satan's own influence. And God spoke to me again saying, "Power...Power. Power!!!!....fly the ball." And lo , the ball riseth up and off the top of the lens, and the great darkness was upon me.

3. And the voice of the Angel came to me again, saying, "When comfortable, twelve hundred feet, turn downwind." Whereupon I wandered in the darkness, without direction, for surely the ships radar was beset by demons, and there was great confusion cast upon CATCC, and there was a great silence in which there was no comfort to be found. Even my tacan needle spinneth......and lo, there was chaos; my trusted companion weepeth quietly unto himself and from close behind I heard weeping and gnashing of teeth of our flock. There was a great turmoil within my cockpit for a multitude of serpents had crept therein.

4. And though we wandered, as if by Providence I found myself within that Holy Corridor, and at twelve hundred feet, among my brethren seeking refuge; and the voice of the Angel of the Lord came to me again, asking of me my needles, and I raised my voice saying, "Up and centered", and the voice answered, "Roger, fly your needles...." I reflected upon these words, and I raised my voice in prayer, for though my gyro indicateth it not so, surely my aircraft hath been turned upside down. Verily, as Beelzebub surely wrestled with me, a voice, that of my trusted companion, saith to me calmly, "Friend.....fly thy needles, and find comfort in the Lord." And lo, with deep trembling in my heart, I did, and He guideth me to centered glideslope and centerline, though I know not how it came to be.

5. And out of the great darkness, God spoke to me again saying, "Roger ball" for now I had faith. And though the ball began to rise at the in close position, my right hand was full of the Spirit, and it squeeketh off power and as in a great miracle my plane stoppeth upon the flight deck, for it hath caught the four wire which God in his infinite wisdom hath placed thirty feet further down the flight deck than the three wire.

6. And thus bathed in a golden radiance from above, our pilgrimage was at an end, and my spirit was truly reborn. And as I basked in the rapture, God spoketh to me one final time, and He saith, "Lights out on deck...

"Bear"
 


 
Subject: How to simulate life in the Navy

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053."
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day you have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shitcans over the fantail)
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
20.Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
33.When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
43.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors car. Ignore his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box
 
 
Sea Provisions

LITTLE KNOWN NAVAL HISTORY:
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers). However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."
Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England.
In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.
Then she headed home.
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO whiskey and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!

 
 

The Seabag


There was a time when everything you owned had to fit in your seabag. Remember those nasty rascals? Fully packed, one of the suckers weighed more than the poor devil hauling it. The damn things weighed a ton and some idiot with an off-center sense of humor sewed a carry handle on it to help you haul it. Hell, you could bolt a handle on a Greyhound bus but it wouldn't make the damn thing portable.
The Army, Marines and Air Force got footlockers and we got a big ole' canvas bag. After you warped your spine jackassing the goofy thing through a bus or train station, sat on it waiting for connecting transportation and made folks mad because it was too dam big to fit in any overhead rack on any bus, train and airplane ever made, the contents looked like hell. All your gear appeared to have come from bums who slept on park benches.
Traveling with a seabag was something left over from the "Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum" sailing ship days. Sailors used to sleep in hammocks. So you stowed your issue in a big canvas bag and lashed your hammock to it, hoisted it on your shoulder and in effect moved your entire home and complete inventory of earthly possessions from ship to ship. I wouldn't say you traveled light because with one strap it was a one-shoulder load that could torque your skeletal frame and bust your ankles. It was like hauling a dead linebacker.
They wasted a lot of time in boot camp telling you how to pack one of the suckers. There was an officially sanctioned method of organization that you forgot after ten minutes on the other side of the gate at Great Lakes or San Diego. You got rid of a lot of issue gear when you went to the SHIP. Did you ever know a tin-can sailor who had a raincoat? A flat hat? One of those nut hugger knit swimsuits? How bout those roll your own neckerchiefs. The ones the girls in a good Naval tailor shop would cut down and sew into a 'greasy snake' for two bucks? Within six months, every fleet sailor was down to one set of dress blues, port and starboard undress blues and whites, a couple of whitehats, boots, shoes, assorted skivvies, a peacoat and three sets of bleeched out dungarees. The rest of your original issue was either in the pea coat locker, lucky bag or had been reduced to wipe down rags in the engineroom. Underway ships were not ships that allowed vast accumulation of private gear. Hobos who lived in discarded refrigerator crates could amass greater loads of pack rat crap than fleet sailors. The confines of a canvas back rack, side locker and a couple of bunk bags did not allow one to live a Donald Trump existence. Space and the going pay scale combined to make us envy the lifestyle of a mud hut Ethiopian.
We were the global equivalents of nomadic Monguls without ponies to haul our stuff. And after the rigid routine of boot camp we learned the skill of random compression packing. Known by mother's world wide as 'cramming'. It is amazing what you can jam into a space no bigger than a breadbox if you pull a watch cap over a boot and push it in with your foot. Of course it looks kind of weird when you pull it out but they never hold fashion shows at sea and wrinkles added character to a salty appearance. There was a four-hundred mile gap between the images on recruiting posters and the actual appearance of sailors at sea. It was not without justifiable reason that we were called the tin-can Navy.
We operated on the premise that if 'Cleanliness was next to Godliness', we must be next to the other end of that spectrum. We looked like our clothing had been pressed with a waffle iron and packed by a bulldozer. But what in the hell did they expect from a bunch of jerks that lived in the crews hole of a 2250 Sumner Class can. After a while you got used to it. You got used to everything you owned picking up and retaining that distinctive aroma. You got used to old ladies on busses taking a couple of wrinkled nose sniffs of your peacoat then getting up and finding another seat.
Do they still issue seabags? Can you still make five bucks sitting up half the night drawing a ships picture on the side of one of the damn things with black and white marking pens that drive old master-at-arms into a 'rig for heart attack' frenzy? Make their faces red. The veins on their neck bulge out. And yell,"Jeezus H. Christ! What in god's name is that all over your seabag?"
"Artwork, Chief... It's like the work of Michelangelo... My ship... Great huh?"
"Looks like some gahdam comic book.."
Here was a man with cobras tattooed on his arms. A skull with a dagger through one eye and a ribbon reading 'DEATH BEFORE SHORE DUTY' on his shoulder. Crossed anchors with 'Subic Bay 1945' on the other shoulder. An eagle on his chest and a full blown Chinese dragon peeking out between the cheeks of his butt. If anyone was an authority on stuff that looked like a comic book, it had to be this E-8 sucker.
Sometimes I look at all the crap stacked in my garage, close my eyes and smile, remembering a time when everything I owned could be crammed into a canvas bag.
Maturity is hell.
 

The Rules of Combat"


1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.


 
 
While standing watch as the Squadron Duty Officer at VT-26, Beeville, TX, we used to look for anything to relieve the boredom. Occasionally a student would check in on base frequency after startup, then forget to switch and ask for a clearance from what they thought was Chase Clearance. One day we hit the mother lode, when our squadron CO forgot to switch his radio, and calls what he thinks is clearance while sitting in his T-2C Buckeye jet.
[distinctive voice of CO on radio]
CO: Clearance, XYZ, ready to copy
Me as SDO: Roger, XYZ, your cleared to Rome via Nome as filed, climb and maintain FL 650, execute the Hialuah 121 departure, intercept the 370 radial off of the Foobar tacan, contact departure 123.4

[long pause, CO wasn't really listening, thinks up excuse to ask clearance to repeat]

CO: Clearance, you were stepped on, say again.
SDO: Roger, you're cleared as filed via the Hyatuke 385 departure, beware of nesting raptors at the departure end, noise abatement in effect within 100 mile radius, request you climb to 5,000 feet by departure end of runway, departing aircraft reports TACAN anomaly on the 150 at 35, winds 160 at 100, you're cleared for hover taxi, takeoff spot 5.
 
 

Comparison of Pilot traditions.

Navy:
On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the "run up engines" signal by rotating his finger above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, checks all gauges and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The Navy pilot is immediately catapulted airborne.

Air Force:
We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air base look up just before taxi for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have both thumbs up his ass on takeoff.
 
 
Naval Aviator's Memories


During my first month of combat, I shot down six planes, took out a Comm Center and a Fuel Dump. This may have had a lot to do with my being taken out of combat training in San Diego and reassigned to the weather observation sqdn in Guam.

As we stood in formation at NAS Pensacola, our Flight Instructor said, "Alright ! All you damn dummies fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir ?"

One day I somehow lost my sidearm, I had no idea how, but they made me pay for it anyway. They said I'd have to pay for anything I lost. At least then I understood the Naval tradition of the Captain going down with the ship.

When we were finally allowed to call home, it was a real treat to speak to the family again. I told my Mother that the only thing that really bothered me a lot was the Flight Instructor telling me that I was dumb, ugly and possibly the worst excuse for a pilot he'd ever seen. She said, "Why in Heaven's name would he say things like that. That's terrible !" I told her, "That's nothing, I'd hate to tell ya' what he said about you !"

A Navy wife inquired about an increase in their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents near the Station where he was based were so high. She received the following letter back: "Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents, up to a maximum of three. If the birth of a child will mean your husband is entitled to more quarters allowance, please notify him to take the necessary action required."

While I'm not sure of the procedure now, when I was in the Navy every so often, you got umpteen shots whether you needed them or not. The carrier pilot in front of me as we passed thru the line asked for a drink of water after receiving what seemed to be at least a dozen different needles. The Corpsman asked if he was dizzy. "No, not at all." he replied. "I just wanna' see if I'm still water-tight."

Marksmanship rated very low on most Aviator's priority lists, and I guess it irritated the hell out of our Range Instructor, a Marine. A bunch of us were trying to qualify one afternoon, and of the six men firing, not one even hit the target from 100 yards. The Sergeant shouted, "Cease firing ! Cease firing ! Fix bayonets and charge ! It's your only chance."
This one is definitely true of most sailors!!

Back then the theory was that if Aviators were fed saltpeter it would reduce their sex drive. Wouldn't ya' know here it is over 30 years later and the damn stuff's just starting to work.

Some of those simulated tactical situations that they gave us were so easy though. One instructor said "You have two enemy craft on your tail closing at 400 knots. What's the very first thing you do ?" I mean, how simple can you get ? The obvious answer to anyone should be: "do 450 knots".

Because of the unusual duty hours at a Naval Air Station, you could pretty much find something to eat at almost any hour. At one Chow Hall the Chief in charge always used to post a sign: "SORRY, WE'RE OPEN !"

While I was never the best pilot the Navy had ever seen, I managed to be OK most of the time. You'd never know it though from listening to my Flight Instructor. He once told me, "Tell ya' what, Clexton, if they ever expand the list of the 'Seven Wonders of the World', I'm gonna' make sure that you're on there twice !
 
 
Military Bearing
Author Unknown, but I think he had to be an Army NCO!



A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Command Sergeant Major (CSM) from the local airfield walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please." The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the CSM saying, "That'll be $1,000." The CSM paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Army APFT, set up a perimeter defense and perform the duties of any warrant officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey; it can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"
"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his -- well you know. But his papers say he's a Pilot.

 
 
Military Common Sense


A lot of life's problems can be explained by the military and its application of common sense.

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez
2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit" - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
3. "Aim towards the Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
11. Tracers work both ways.
12. Five-second fuses only last three seconds.
13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
17. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . once.
18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
 




Difference between Men and Women
 

How to get to Heaven.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter says to this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joey Shasta, retired Delta pilot from Atlanta. Saint Peter consults his list and says to the pilot. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list and tells the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute." says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."
 
 
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From China Lake:
Capt. Grell's official goldfish transport. It's bowl was fitted with a half-turn three point locking base, and it fastened to the nose. During those extremely hot days, the duty officer was required to get the fish up into cooler air. The bowl was located on the nose so the pilot could see if the water level was getting too low.
No Kidding? Gary Verver says its so.



 

 

 

Flight Squawks
(for every gripe, there is a creative sign off)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
 

 

The TA-4J Skyhawk in a RI syllabus Solo Cross Country

I heard this tale third hand and can only relate what I was told. I believe it to be as true any TINS story can be - taking place sometime before 1976. I was flying the TA-4J as an advanced jet instructor 1976-78 at Kingsville - VT-22.

Once through the IUT (Instructor under training) I was determined to head home on a cross country to Hill AFB (HIF) Utah. I had a deal with the ops folks at Hill, where I kept an old family car (Buick) out in the lot and spare A4 parts, wheels, starter dog, CSD link, fuses etc in my own locker in base ops.

I had my XCtry (cross country) Student plan and file a DD175 to Hill AFB with a fuel stop enroute at Williams AFB (CHD ). Hill and Williams didn’t have PPR (Prior Permission Required) restrictions and I was very familiar with their ops, having flown in and out recently in a gun squadron A-4M. So I submitted the X-Ctry request to Wing and prepared to spend the weekend home at HILL, skiing – playing hockey etc. Surprise surprise, the X-Ctry request came back disapproved! I followed up by going across the street to TRAWing II and the LTCDR who disapproved the request. I asked why, as Williams wasn’t PPR and all he could say was that since he had arrived at NQI (Kingsville) Williams had been on the ‘no go’ list. I wanted to see the No Go list in writing, as a order, something, but he couldn’t find anything written. So I had my student re-file NQI – LUF – HIF (Kingsville-Luke-Hill) and went to Williams any way (Luke was always PPR- and you had to have 3 stars to get a PPR number out of ‘em).

The trip out to Williams was boringly uneventful until we got to the Williams transit line. Remember those old retired guys that always ran the AFB transit line in their white coveralls? Well when we taxied up in our white and yellow VT-22 TA-4J to the transit line they ALL came out of the line shack with big shiteating grins and stood around while we got pinned and shut down. They couldn’t wait: “Hey Navy, it’s been a long time no see”. “Welcome back”, “You guys aren’t going to do any more exciting air shows are you” ? “should we call the fire trucks”??? and I replied, “No, and what do mean fire trucks” ? The following is the story they told me. And every time I went into CHD, which was often, I heard this story all over again.

The student in question is long gone but his solo cross county to join a weapons det in Yuma AZ, with a fuel stop at Willy (CHD) AFB lives on. It seems the squadron’s effort to make their pilot quota led to some marginal students to continue flying.

Our Student starts the weekend with a Friday night solo bounce in the pattern where he so scared the RDO (runway duty officer) (remember the RDO log book with all the zany entries?) that he ordered him to land. The RDO calls the Squadron SDO and says he’s going to give the student a down. The intrepid SDO must have been a ops weenie, as he was more concerned about the pilot completion rate than the fact this Student couldn’t fly. The SDO talks the RDO out of giving the Student a down and to wait until he can talk to the Ops Officer tomorrow.

Unknown to these two instructors, the intrepid Student was on the next days schedule with an early early go on his RI syllabus solo Cross country to Yuma to join a weapons det. The syllabus solo cross county required a stop over and his was Williams AFB. Before he leaves, Maintience Control loads a center line tank-blivit with parts for the weapons det., and a mechanic to install the parts.

Refreshing your memory of Williams AFB way back in the 70’s; it was a training command base, 3 long runways and a million white T-37 and T-38 swanning about. Three long runways, 30L for the T-37 aircraft, 30C for transit and IFR aircraft and 30R for T-38 pattern. Everything at Williams is flat as a pancake-baked hard hot sand.

Back to the story.

The student lets down on approach control and is passed off for a GCA to runway 30C. He’ slow to make corrections and follow GCA guidance, as he starts off high and well to the left of course. GCA gives constant calls, “B204 you are well left of course turn further right to 315, well above glide slope”. This goes on all the way down the chute with the student making ineffective corrections. GCA calls “Bravo 204 you are cleared to land on 30C, if runway not in sight go around.” Our SNA is still lined up on runway 30L and as soon as GCA un-keys his mike, the student asks GCA “if he can land on 30L?” GCA replies, “no, you are cleared to land on 30C”…... making a last ditch, huge, correction to land 30C he touches down briefly on 30C going north. Skidding off 30C all the way over to 30R leaving a huge pall of dust and sand behind him. On 30R (he still hasn’t brought the power back) our student tromps in full left rudder, where upon the TA-4J skids back over to 30C and off on the other side toward 30L. The dust ball is getting bigger and now he’s remembered to pull the power off, and with full right rudder he swerves back on to 30C and stops at the end of the center runway, turning left and holding short of 30L. He didn’t hit a thing and the tires stayed on the aircraft. Meanwhile, the tower has hit the crash alarm, the trucks roll and they all lose sight of the A4 in the dust ball. The T-38s and T-37 are all bingoed out of the pattern. Amid the confusion, our student asks Twr for clearance to cross 30L, and a distracted tower operator , still looking for the crash site in the dust ball and not realizing who is who : clears him to cross and switch up ground and not to call GND, just follow the “follow me truck”. B-204 crosses 30L and follows the truck to the transit line. As they are taxing, The tower and the fire trucks finally spot their quarry, and are in hot pursuit, along with several blue sedans with the flashing red cherry on top. One of which is the wing / base commander. Taxing to a halt in the transit line under the guidance of a couple of smirking white jump-suited transit line guys. The parade is big now with 5 fire trucks and half dozen blue sedans following the TA4. Transit line guys put the gear pins in and hook up the ladders as our student shuts down the engine and raises the canopy all the way. Where upon the wing/base commander (O-6) storms up the ladder addressing the pilot in the front seat with a rant, “What kind of XXWXWY!!! Idiot are you, etc etc.” and our SNA replies, cowed by the furiously angry colonel: “sir I’m just a student”. The colonel angrily switches target to the flight suit in back seat: who is quick to respond:, Sir I’m just a mechanic and this is my first ride in a plane.” This revelation, stuns the colonel for a few seconds, and makes him even madder, when he goes off in a rant about XXWXY!!!! Navy pilots and their incompetent students. And who the hell let this clown out unsupervised??? Because he sure as hell ain’t flying it out here. He storms off and the transit guys are killing themselves laughing. The colonel calls up CNATRA (Admiral ___?) relates the incident and forbids any navy CNATRA aircraft ever again landing at his base.

This was the reason why our white TA-4J were banned from Williams AFB. Well, the colonel apparently was gone, transferred, as I used CHD all the time as a fuel stop on my training command cross-countries to HIF and no one ever complained. I just had to listen to this story every time I used the CHD transit line.

Denny West
One time A4 pilot / Boca Raton FL.


 

Royal Australian Navy Space Craft


Back in the 1970s when the Royal Australian Navy operated A-4s from the carrier HMAS Melbourne, a couple of Skyhawks were launched one day on a routine recco mission to Mars. When the big grey war canoe ran into rapidly deteriorating weather conditions, an "Immediate Charlie" recall to all aircraft was issued. No problem. The Skyhawk drivers merely popped their speed brakes, did a "slingshot" maneuver around the moon, and descended back to trap aboard.

Photograph courtesy of the Australian Naval Aircraft Museum: Mark Clayton, Director; Windy Geale, Curator

 

Royal Australian Navy - Submarine Aircraft Carrier - 1970


The Royal Australian Navy Skyhawk, being an all-purpose aircraft, was the subject of a 1970s experimental sea trial of an A-4 on board a Royal Australian Navy submarine. There was no objection from the aviators to operating the Skyhawk from the somewhat limited deck space of the submarine. A problem with the Skyhawk's turbine cavitating while underway submerged was overcome. The diesel catapult worked just fine. However, the experiment was abandoned when the submarine's XO objected to the jet blast burning the paintwork off the sail.

Photograph courtesy of the Australian Naval Aircraft Museum: Mark Clayton, Director;, Windy Geale, Curator
 
 

A plea for help from a grounded Australian to his friend, BJ....
 
Hi Mate,
 
I am writing to you, because I need your help to get me bloody pilot's 
license back.  You keep telling me you got all the right contacts.  Well now's your 
chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate. 
But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review with 
the CAA Examiner. 
On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA dickhead) seemed a reasonable sort of 
bloke.  He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years.  
He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property and let me operate 
from my own strip.  Naturally I agreed to that. 
 
Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday.  First up, he said he was a bit 
surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead, because the ALA 
(Authorized Landing Area) is about a mile away.  I explained that because this 
strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than the ALA, and 
despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip it's really not a 
problem to land and take-off, because at the half-way point down the strip 
you're usually still on the ground. 
 
For some reason Ron seemed nervous.  So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection
only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again.
Because he was watching me carefully, I walked around the
plane three times instead of my usual two. 
 
My effort was rewarded because the color finally returned to Ron's cheeks.  
In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told 
him I was going to combine the test flight with some farm work, as I had to 
deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd.  After a bit 
of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the 
ol' Cessna 172.  We climbed aboard, but Ron started getting' onto me about 
weight and balance calculations and all that crap.  Of course I knew that sort of 
thing was a waste of time because, calves like to move around a bit, 
particularly when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground!  So, its bloody pointless 
trying to secure them as you know.  However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't 
worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain 
pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.
 
Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by 
tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500rpm.  I then discovered that 
Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody headset. Through 
all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded I account for it. 
Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell 
down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism.  The 
selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on 'All 
tanks', so I suppose that's Okay. 
 
However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the noise on 
vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask, which I keep in a beaut little 
possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass.  My explanation seemed to 
relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the 
cockpit roof.  I released the brakes to taxi out, but unfortunately the plane gave 
a leap and spun to the right.  "Hell" I thought, "not the starboard wheel 
chock again".  The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked wildly around 
just in time to see a rock thrown by the prop wash disappear completely 
through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore.  "Now I'm really in trouble", I 
thought. 
 
While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we 
taxi to the ALA, and instead took off under the power lines.  Ron didn't say a 
word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off 
point, then he bloody screamed his head off.  "Oh God!  Oh God!  Oh God!" 
 
"Now take it easy, Ron" I told him firmly.  "That often happens on take-off 
and there is a good reason for it."  I explained patiently that I usually run 
the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two 
of kerosene.  To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in 
a few gallons off super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to 
mix it up.  Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it 
works just fine, if you know how to coax it properly. 
Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my flight test.  He 
pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer.  (I 
didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days).  I selected some nice music on 
the HF radio to help him relax. 
 
Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet.  I don't 
normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because, as you know getting 
Fax access out here is a bloody joke, and the bloody weather is always 8/8 
blue anyway.  But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340, I might have to 
change me thinking on that.  Anyhow, on leveling out I noticed some wild camels 
heading into my improved pasture.  I hate bloody camels, and always carry a 
loaded .303 clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the 
bastards. 
 
We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to have 
a go through the open window.  Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out, the 
effect on Ron was absolutely electric.  As I fired the first shot his neck 
lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo.  He 
really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full 
power.  In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a 
second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre.  Ron was a bit 
upset about the shooting (probably one of those animal lovers I guess) so 
I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre. 
Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot 
trick. 
 
Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full 
flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500 feet down to 500 feet 
at 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle 
rushing up to the red area on me ASI.  What a buzz, mate!   About half way 
through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully 
suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy.  I was going to comment on this unusual 
sight, but Ron looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the fetal 
position and was screaming his head off.  Mate, talk about being in a bloody 
zoo.  You should've been there, it was so bloody funny! 
  
At about 500 feet I leveled out, but for some reason we continued sinking.  
When we reached 50 feet I applied full power but nothin' happened; no noise no 
nothin'.  Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying 
"carby heat, carby heat".  So I pulled carby heat on and that helped quite a lot, 
with the engine finally regaining full power.  Whew, that was really close, let 
me tell you! 
 
Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next!  As luck would have it, at 
that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and 
suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate.  BJ, you would've been bloody proud of me as I 
didn't panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider an 
instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (Something I've been meaning to do 
for a while now). 
 
Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared.  His mouth opened 
wide, very wide, but no sound emerged.  "Take it easy," I told him. "we'll be 
out of this in a minute."  Sure enough, about a minute later we emerge; still 
straight and level and still at 50 feet.
Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept 
thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH 
when we were taxing".  This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby 
valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again. 
 
By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip 
between them.  "Ah!," I thought, "there's an omen.  We'll land right there."  
Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep 
turns with full flap.  Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear 
that I cut its circuit breaker to shut it up, but by then I knew we were slow 
enough anyway.  I turned steeply onto a 75 foot final and put her down with a 
real thud.  Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop 
in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again! 
 
Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of humor.  
Talk about laugh.  I've never seen the likes of it.  He couldn't stop.  We 
finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft 
like there was no tomorrow. 
 
I then began picking clumps of dry grass.  Between gut wrenching fits of 
laughter, Ron asked what I was doing.  I explained that we had to stuff the port 
tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead.  It was then that Ron 
really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft.  Can you 
believe it?  The last time I saw him he was off into the distance, arms flailing in 
the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been 
confined to a psychiatric institution - poor bugger! 
 
Anyhow, mate, that's enough about Ron.  The problem is I just got a letter 
from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have 
undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight 
proficiency test.  Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel 
chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can't see what else I 
did that was so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flamin' license.  Can 
you?

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